I don’t know

It had been almost six months and I was thinking to myself where is this all going? I really liked the guy, it seemed he really liked me, but for some reason things weren’t moving forward. I lacked clarity about the type of relationship I was in. We kissed with such passion and made love with intensity, but he was still an enigma to me. 

When we started the whole thing he did mention that he wasn’t ready for “this”, whatever the hell “this” was. But then, what did the hugs, kisses and sex mean? I asked if it was a casual sex thing and the response was “I don’t know”. So I asked, “Okay then, do you know what you want from me?”. He said “I don’t know, I want you to be around, I want us to be friends, clearly I’m not relationship material and I’m not ready”.

Let me tell you, if you hear those words “I’m not ready yet” get out right now. If he isn’t ready YET, he will never be ready. But, the fact is, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready or what he’s waiting for, this isn’t about him, this is about you. This is about what you want and expect out of a relationship and out of a partner.

The response is always going to be “I don’t know” in this type of unclear relationship. Is this phrase just a cop out so one doesn’t have to think, or do any sort of introspection? I like to think that I live in a world where grown men and women know what they want out of a partner, or at least have some idea. I totally understand that some people have a hard time expressing how they feel, but I also like to live in hope that one day when you meet the “right” person you will do anything to try and get out of your comfort zone and tell them how you feel.

So, almost six months of casual, once a week sexual activity was the life I found myself in. There was no clarity as to the direction of the relationship, no discussion of feelings and no commitment; it was literally the “Netflix and chill” relationship. I have to admit though, this so called “relationship” actually worked for me at the start. Why? Because I was also used to not being open with people, and having most of my conversations through texts. But the difference is that I’m trying to work on myself.

Now that it’s all over I look back and think, what has this experience taught me? Because every person comes into our lives for a purpose, either to teach us a lesson, or so we can help them with something they need. For starters, this has taught me to be more open and expressive with family and friends, to be more assertive about what I want and not just say yes to others’ demands. Most significantly, this has taught me to love and respect myself. Even though I loved him beyond any other guy I had met so far, and I wanted the relationship to last, I chose to step out. Why leave something that had hope, you ask? Because I can’t spend my life living in hope, because sometimes feeling the loss, and showing someone the consequences of their actions, is necessary. Mostly because it is my declaration to the universe that I value myself, that I love myself, and that I deserve someone who wants to spend every spare moment with me, someone who wants to take me out on dates.

Looking back on things you always know they worked out for the best because you can see the good things that came to you afterwards, but it’s about building faith in difficult times, when nothing is going your way, that no matter what, everything is going to be perfect and the universe has your back. All you have to do is show the world that you love yourself enough to be treated like a priority and not like an option.

Image attribution – Pixabay:pixolga